48 hours by cLAIRE mEAR

From the very moment, you experience a still birth, every year that follows there are key dates to get through and for family and friends to be mindful of.

First is the death date, three years ago on the 10th August 2013, at 39 weeks plus 5 days, we were told Molly’s heart had stopped beating, there was nothing any one could say or do, the post mortem simply said “inconclusive!”

The second date is her birth date 12th August 2013. The hospital made us go home on the death date and then wait an agonising 48 hour to return back on her birthdate to have a natural birth with no baby to take home.

Christmas day comes around too fast. We are learning to avoid this day, each year becomes more painful as she is growing up in our minds and Christmas is for the kids isn’t it? Since 2013 we have not hung a slither of tinsel or cooked Christmas dinner, I half-heartedly send the odd Christmas card wishing others a very happy Christmas and a wonderful new year.
 
New Years Eve. The countdown begins to yet another year with no living daughter and all those dates ahead to deal with yet again. When Jools Holland is on the telly, we look at each other and wonder how on earth have we survived at all. Ever thankful that we have somehow narrowly escaped a complete psychotic breakdown and divorce ?

Our own birthdays go virtually unnoticed, due to plain old guilt. How dare we even think of celebrating that we are living another year, yet our baby girl did not get to breathe a single breath and live one day.

I hide every Mother’s Day, am I a mother? Do I even belong in the Mother’s Day club? I am a childless mother are there any calendar dates for this?

Easter is just another Sunday.

Father’s Day, is when Molly’s dad drowns out his pain by a few pints and a pub lunch.

Prince George celbrates abother birthday, the world celbrates with him. This is always 20 days before Molly died. 

​Molly’s death day returns, 10th August, which is now an anniversary. Even though we are another year older but this time another year wiser, maybe stronger but little by little we are becoming more forgiving.

48 hours later it would have been her birthday number two, three, ten, sixteen…..
And so it becomes one eternal jumble of dates that we try and explain to new friends and strangers why we are behaving oddly, as we do our best to duck and dive all these dates. We can never escape them, since 2013 they are now part of our normal year which is never normal ever again and will continue to stay in our annual calendar’s until our own death day.