I step ahead and there I am - By Claire Mear

​That day I lost Molly, I felt submerged, deep in water, flailing around desperate for air
I had to learn to adapt with new gills which grew from grief and guilt
Pregnant aged 45, a miracle my doctors told me
I was given the promise of a gift
Happy ever after they said, something I still wish for as
During that day it was all taken away
I am changing, I am waking up
Through seeking self knowledge I evolve
I see fresh insights never perceived before
I am learning, things I never thought I would need to learn
Before that day I was one whole happy person, now I am someone else, 
Another Claire
Constantly adapting
 
From the darkness I glided up to the surface, flecks of light beckoned me, the water clears, I am a ‘Still’ childless mother
I have spent time seated deep in solitude, surrounded by the deafening silence of busy adults
 
​I have taught myself to carry on, not to give up, to love, not hate, to accept, not blame, to be calm and not be angry
I am learning to acknowledge coincidences, finding appreciation in all good that shows itself after that day
She was never meant to live a moment on this earth, yet she is everywhere in our world
She died, but she has given life to many others, how can I be sad?
I choose not to swim within the murky sludge of loss, blame and anger, it won’t bring her back
I observe my feelings and their responses, the Buddha within keeps my peace safe
With the skill of an antiques restorer, I piece together all remaining fragments of love and faith Shattered within
My broken heart mending slowly, while my drenched soul dries itself out
I look back at my own footsteps and the journey it has brought me on
The sea rolls in and before my eyes takes that path away, I walk forward I look back it vanishes I leave another imprint, I know it was there
I breathe in, I breathe out, effortless life forces working over time
I step ahead into the sunshine and there where ever I look I am.